I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
Randomize
