the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
