The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
Randomize
