my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
I'm always down for nudity.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
