Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Randomize
