i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
