I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
she has a miserable personality but its a good think you dont have sex with that
pussy has no personality
Amen to that
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
