duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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