mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
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