i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
