Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
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