You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
