Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
