I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
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