His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
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