I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
Randomize
