fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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