omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He felt like a one man threesome
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
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