You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
My day in three words: secret purse cake
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
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