In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
Randomize
