Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
Randomize
