Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
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