You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
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