I only want to know people that are dynamic intelligent and totally insane
My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
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