i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
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