Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
I feel like a drive thru vagina
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
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