the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
