There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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