So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
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