didnt we say no more talking to eachother
it will help you get over me i promise
im horny
ok i will unlock the door
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
