youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
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