i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
