What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
you need to leave class get on facebook and start untagging IMMEDIATELY
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
