just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
Randomize
