I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
