New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
Randomize
