dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
That's when you crack a 10am beer
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
Randomize
