yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
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