the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
Randomize
