im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
why is jon gosselin on the news 24/7 for dating some new lady?? how bout I get on msnbc for not getting laid since forever ago
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
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