lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
Randomize
