I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
