So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
I thought I came here to hook up, not for a Study Abroad 101 session
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
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