I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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