seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
Randomize
