Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
Randomize
