hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
I think I am morally bankrupt
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
That reminds me...we need to get swords
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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