I think i peed on brittanys purse
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
Randomize
