I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
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