oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
Randomize
