I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
He did a backflip because drugs
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