I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Randomize
