Well douche your snatch and let's go!
i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
Randomize
