He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Randomize
