Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
Randomize
