I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
i now understand why vodka
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
Randomize
